The Boat

God said, “Noah, let’s take a walk.
You and I have got to talk”.
The way God looked made Noah wonder;
His eyes were lightning, his voice was thunder.

“They’ve changed my laws to fit their needs
And changed the way my Bible reads.
I made the female and the male
But now the difference tends to pale.

Why do they change the things I made?
How can they call it beauty aid?
Their bodies pierced, to stick things through
And have you seen what they tattoo?

With children born of demon fathers,
A god must wonder why he bothers.
So they’ve ignored my holy plan
And I repent that I made man.

If not for you, I’d give no quarter.
I’d cleanse this ball with soap and water.”
But Noah said, “I love this place,
Just one more chance for the human race?”

God saw his love and he took note.
“Alright Noah, then build a boat.”
In dust, with stick, God drew his plan,
To show how he would wipe out man.

When Noah saw just what God wrote,
He said, “But God, just what’s a boat?”
Far from sea and far from lake,
A boat’s not something he would make.

So God drew plans in great detail
And said, “With these, you cannot fail.
Four hundred fifty feet in length
And it must have, tremendous strength.”

“Four hundred fifty feet you say?
Well God, you certainly ruined my day!
It’s longer than a football field!
That’s not something I can build.”

And then he said, with abject moaning,
“I know these plans will violate zoning.
You know we’ll have to build to code,
What kind of wood will bear the load?”

God said, “If you’ll just read the specs,
It’s gopher wood for all three decks.”
“But that’s endangered, don’t you know?
It takes a hundred years to grow.

Not even God can get his way.
We’re up against the EPA.
Red tape alone will take a century.
We break one law, its penitentiary.

And one mistake, you’ll throw a fit.
Why don’t we build it from a kit?
Better yet, just blink an eye,
Six days weren’t bad for earth and sky.”

God said, “To live, you’ll prove your worth
And build this ark to save the earth.”
“Sure God, that’s all I have to do,
Just build an ark and catch a zoo!”

“I’ll give you time to get the stuff.
One hundred years should be enough.”
But Noah, bargaining for each phase,
Got one more month and seventeen days.

The red tape came in such barrage,
He finally named the ark Mirage,
Because the boat you think you see,
Is money piled for the license fee.

It must hold two of every creature,
So size, of course, was its main feature.
But there was not a wall to spare,
With all the permits hanging there.

The final one to have his say,
The lawyer from the SPCA.
“The only way this boat can pass,
Put all the animals in first class.”

Then Noah’s wife said, “Look! The sky!
I think that God has started to cry.
As soon as Ham loads the Billy goat.
I think we’d best all get in the boat!”

One couple couldn’t join the rest
And were removed from the manifest
No permit to export their horns
The Feds impounded the unicorns

Noah and the Ark is such a good Bible story. Why the Unicorns Missed the Boat was also about the Ark, but The Boat is written from a different perspective.

One of Ruth’s friends e-mailed a story to her that suggests the troubles Noah might have had if he had built the Ark in today’s world, with all of our inspectors and codes. Many scholars think that it took Noah one hundred years to build the Ark.

In Genesis chapter five, it says that Noah was five hundred years old when God told him to build the Ark. Then we read in Genesis chapter seven that he was six hundred years, one month and seventeen days old when it started to rain. It would probably take that long today just to complete the red tape and he’d never get a permit to capture all of those animals!

We hear lots of stories about men building things in their garage and then having to tear out a wall to get the item out. Wonder if Noah tried to build his boat in the garage. In the last verse, I explained why there are no unicorns today.

One side note: Ruth pointed out that quarter doesn’t rhyme with water. Though she was born in Texas, her roots are in Seattle and she was raised in Japan. She speaks Japanese but her Texan is not fluent. Besides, Noah didn’t have a daughter, so ‘quarter’ will have to do.


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