Dill Pickle Stew

Now Frank was a fellow who lived all alone,
In a cave that was dark, with no telephone.
There were crickets and spiders, and red ants galore,
That lived on the ceiling the walls and the floor.

Frank lived all alone, but everyone knew.
How he fed all the bugs on dill pickle stew.
And everyone said, when people came calling,
They left in a hurry with all those bugs crawling.

Now Frank was not clean, his cave was a mess.
It could have been neater, he was first to confess.
But the spiders and crickets and red ants were neat;
When they came in from outside, they wiped off their feet.

Then a stranger came calling, the first they had seen;
The bugs asked in unison, “Sir, are your feet clean?”
“My feet?” said the stranger, his friendliness gone,
“Of course they are not but I’ll keep my shoes on!”

When they asked him his name, he said, “GooGaLee”,
In a voice sounding much like those guys on TV.
His voice, they decided, was really so good
That he could sell nickels that were made out of wood.

So they sat by the fire and ate dill pickle stew,
And took turns spinning yarns from midnight ‘til two.
It seems GooGaLee had come here from Mars
To check on the weather and look at new cars.

He explained as he spoke to Frank and his pals,
“There are no roads on Mars, there’re only canals.”
So he and his sister, or mother or brother,
(On Mars it is hard to tell one from the other)

Had decided that he should come here to see
If the things were all true, that they saw on TV.
‘Cause Earth’s silly programs and weird TV stars
Can be seen quite clearly on their TVs on Mars.

So he’d picked tonight to come down and see
If Earth’s cars were really like those on TV.
He had brought lots of money (it just looked like rocks.)
That he carried tied up in three pairs of socks.

Then Frank told the stranger about Earth’s TV;
That the things that you buy are not what you see.
That the guy on the set, who sold all those used cars,
Was long thought by many, to have come here from Mars.

GooGaLee was excited, his eyes were a-popping.
“First thing tomorrow, will you take me car shopping?”
So the spiders and crickets and red ants and Frank
Put on their best clothes and went to the bank.

They took the Mars’ money (it just looked like rocks)
To the president’s office wrapped up in the socks.
He looked at the bugs, GooGaLee and then Frank
And thought that it must be some sort of prank.

“Mars’ money’s exchange rate is really quite low.”
The president said, as if he’d really know.
But liking the looks of Frank and his crew,
He gave them his car that was almost brand new.

“And if there’s a market up there for used cars,
Give me a ring when you get back to Mars.”
Now Frank had made sandwiches from left-over stew,
So they climbed in the car that was almost brand new.

Then GooGaLee said, “Roll the windows up tight,
Fasten your seat belts, it’s gonna be a long flight.”
Though Earth cars can’t fly, as everyone knows,
He said, “Cross your fingers, your pinchers and toes.”

Now ‘reverse’, in Martian, we all know means fly.
When he shifted to “R” they shot up through the sky.
The trip took ten days or a week, maybe two.
When they got up to Mars, they were all sick of stew.

So they sat down to eat at GooGaLee’s house.
Where they dined on fried chicken or was it fried mouse?
And they all drank too much of the sweet MaLiMoo,
That forms on Mars plants every morning like dew.

After dinner their host said he’d show them around
Though Mars has no city or village or town.
They all live in caves with their friends and their pals
And go swimming each morning in the Martian canals.

But the thing they most like, on the planet called Mars,
Is watching commercials from Earth about cars.
And they all adopt names to use, when they play,
Like Lincoln and Mercury and of course Chevrolet.

Now Frank had been welcomed with kisses and hugs
But the Martians admitted they didn’t like bugs.
So the crickets and spiders and red ants with Frank
Decided that they would play a neat prank.

The red ants built ant nests in the shape of small cars
While the spiders spun webs to string the guitars
That the crickets had made, while sitting around
And surprising to all, they made a great sound.

They found a big box, that was five feet by three,
And cut out the front to look like a TV.
The crickets and spiders played eight string guitars
While the ants in the box told lies about cars.

The Martians all said that they loved the commercial
That the bugs had performed without a rehearsal.
So the Martians all built their own TV frames
And invited the bugs to play for their games.

The American car names were used past their quota
So the Martians told Frank they would call him Toyota.
They asked him to stay there on Mars, with his crew,
And teach them all how to make dill pickle stew.

So he bought a new cave, with a large screen TV,
Where he watches commercials with his pal GooGaLee.
And the banker on Earth bought fifteen new cars;
He got rich selling rocks that he claimed came from Mars.


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