Each year we send a family letter, by now you’ve guessed the reason,
We like to brag about our deeds to celebrate the season.
This time we wondered what would happen if we just shared the truth,
Of how this year has really been though it may not be couth.

Farming certainly has been tough; the drought was all the talk.
The water in our ponds dried up, the fish have learned to walk.
The lake turned over in July (that’s when the fish all drowned).
We knew when it turned over, ‘cause the boats were upside down.

The hens have all stopped laying and both the cows went dry.
We made a little hay ’cause the grass burrs didn’t die.
We spent the whole of August wishing for some rain.
That’s when we learned to eat our rice with Gravy Train.

When things were looking down and life was getting crummy,
I got a real good job as a part time crash test dummy.
May Beth is working too, she’s a sanitation engineer.
Last week she made driver, high point of her career.

She now brings home the bacon, bread and ‘taters too.
With first pick at the dumpsters, ahead of the can dump crew.
We hope that you don’t envy the way that we’ve been blessed,
We must be making money; we’re being I.R.S.ed!

Bert is doing great, he’s giving law a try.
He’s getting lots of calls from the sheriff and FBI.
Bert’s wife Gert’s in advertisement, she has really gotten good.
Her name’s in every men’s room, ‘tween here and Hollywood.

She’s got a snappy trademark, she’s really on the ball.
Her name’s become synonymous with, “For a Good Time Call…..”
In ten years you can meet the man our Sadie dates.
He’s into auto parts; he’s making license plates.

We got our Jeb a puzzle; we’re going to get him more.
He did it in a year; the box said two to four.
Our grandson graduated at top his fifth grade class.
He’s eighteen and they promised a new car just to pass.

I guess they swim in football, where Egbert goes to school.
We learned from his best friend that he runs the football pool.
His 4-H project made the papers, the first one in his class.
They made a lot of fuss about how he grows grass.

I guess it’s clear by now just how much we’ve been blessed,
The good that’s come into our lives just can’t be over stressed.
I’ll close with just one wish; that God would use his powers
To make your coming year as good as he’s made ours.

P.S. I’m in the witness protection program, so I can’t sign this letter.
Just wanted you to know, things couldn’t get no better!