She asked me to buy
A new coat for her,
But I couldn’t afford
The expense of a fur.

And then if by chance,
Or maybe by luck,
I hit a huge dog
With my pickup truck!

I thought this must be
Some kind of a sign!
The poor dog was dead
But its hide was all mine.

I borrowed a friend’s book
And I learned how to do it,
I made her a fur coat
There was nothing to it.

Now, “Putting on the dog”
Has a brand new meaning
And the fleas will be gone
After its first dry cleaning.

And now I can make her
A brand new fur hat.
While backing my truck up
I ran over her cat!

May Bell took him lunch one day
And walked up beside the plow,
A bit closer to the mule,
Than good prudence would allow.

The sheriff said that the mule
Fatally kicked her in the head.
(Just in case you didn’t know,
“Fatally” means she was dead!)

At the wake the women told
How much they would miss May Bell.
While the men asked the farmer
If his mule would be for sale.

At forty seven ninety nine
The woman really did look nice
And with the shipping throwed in free
You really couldn’t beat the price.

He sent his order right away.
And told Hank, his friend, about it.
Now Hank, a high school graduate,
Was very quick to doubt it.

“With Hank’s fancy education”,
Buford thought, “That’s how much he knows.
Wait ‘till he sees what came today.
The mailman brought me all her clothes!”

As I walked by Grandpa’s stock pond,
I noticed lots of water swirls.
I knew from all the piles of clothes
I’d found some skinny-dipping girls.

It wasn’t long a head appeared,
Then two more and then another.
One girl hollered, “If you don’t leave,
We’re going to tell your mother!”

I told them I would gladly leave
But I’d have to come back later.
I held my bucket up and said
“It’s time to feed the alligator!”

Rastus, the coon dog, was tied and the latch string was left out.
That Bubba Claus was comin’, all the younguns had no doubt.
When outside on the gravel, there arose a big racket!
Then a rock hit my window, I was sure it would crack it.

I was scared it was robbers, or some kind of a stickup,
But it was just old Bubba in his brand new Ford pickup.
The camper bed was piled high with toys and stuff for the kids
He had bought at Jake’s Auction, where he always gets first bids.

With Bubba Claus takin’ charge, the Grinch won’t come a messin’.
All of the gifts are insured by Bubba’s Smith and Wesson.
His first cousin, once removed, is drivin’ Bubba tonight.
She’s Bubba Claus’s third wife, some folks say she’s not real bright.

Old Bubba burst right on in, arms full of presents galore,
And tripped over the car parts that I’d left strewn on the floor.
The kids had left out goodies that caught Bubba Claus’s eye,
A great big R.C. Cola and a chocolate Moon Pie.

No tobacco for his pipe, he thinks smoking is a sin.
They set out a coffee can for him to spit his snuff in.
If he visits you this year, there’s one thing that I should say,
When he carries in the gifts, everyone should look away.

Bubba’s pants hang way too low, not a pretty sight to see,
When he bends to put the gifts underneath your Christmas tree.
Then he pulls his red pants up, no concern for what we saw.
Bubba doesn’t HO HO HO, he leaves with a YEE-HEE-HAW!