I didn’t buy a gift this year,
And she was mad as she could get!
And madder still, when I explained
She hadn’t used last year’s gift yet.

“Were you a successful hunter?”
She asked, very sarcastically.
“I killed four males and two females,”
He said, enthusiastically.

“How could you tell their sex?” she asked,
With skepticism in her tone.
“Four were on my empty beer can
And two were on the telephone!”

He slid down off of his bar stool
And landed flat out on his face.
He mumbled that he must have tripped
On his blankety-blank shoe lace.

He pulled himself out through the door
And tried to stand up twice again.
He decided it was the beer,
That he had mixed in with his gin.

He managed to drag himself home
And up the three steps to his door.
He almost got to his bedroom;
His wife found him on the hall floor.

She screamed, “You’ve been down at the bar!”
He asked why she thought he was there.
“Johansson just gave me a call,
He said you forgot your wheelchair!”

How old is my bride?
I’m certainly not telling!
To do so might cause
Matrimonial yelling.

But with her at my side,
It sure would be nifty,
If we just had the time
To do one more fifty.

For Ruth on her **th birthday

She gave me a nasty look,
And in a sarcastic voice
She said, “When we got married
You always gave me first choice.”

I talked around a mouthful,
Steak juice running down my chin,
“Well you’re a better cook now,
Than you used to be back then!”